The Dreaded Missionary Plague

    There is an interesting and somewhat frightening phenomenon occurring in our mission, and in fact, in just about very mission around the globe. In times past, unlearned observers have thought the missionaries were dislodging pneumonia in each other's lungs or were doing an over-zealous Heimlich maneuver. Some had thought the behavior was merely to get dust off each other's jackets or flip off a swarm of bees that may have been implanted in the fabric of one's own or another's clothing. Another suggestion was that they were checking for weapons or sharp objects, relaying Morse code one to another, trying to learn the Samoan slap dance, or both people were trying to take the lead in the tango.

       Current thought is that the malady might be an infection, though the germ can't be identified. Another theory it that it may be instinctual, something that missionaries have dormant in their systems from birth only to have it emerge with vengeance when a missionary name tag is pinned on their shirt or jacket.  Biologists, sociologists, anthropologists, and psychologists are baffled, independently working day and night in research, trying to find its cause, or even just to categorize it, to assign a binomial nomenclature to it. 

     In the end it  may be deemed a form of ataxia, the inability to control bodily movement, or clonuxsm, a state or condition in which the muscles undergo clonus or rapid flexion and extension. But for now, lacking official designation, the medical community is referring to it as hyperhugmani, hugalitis, or hugophagy, with those researchers dedicating their lives to its study, being referred to as hugatologists.  Whatever it is, the condition’s widespread contagion is easily seen in any gathering of missionaries in the GKLM.  

       Although individual characteristics vary from one person to another, depending on the advancement of the disorder, several symptoms seem common to all. First, that upon seeing certain other human beings who are wearing dark suits and/or white shirts and ties, that person gravitates quickly toward the other and outstretches their arms. As the two make contact, said arms wrap enthusiastically, if not violently, around the arms and chest of the other, and squeeze, hard. Almost simultaneously the hands connected to the arms slap, enthusiastically, if not violently, on the back of the other, usually multiple times.  Sometimes the force of the action or actions pulls the other off their feet and quite literally takes their breath away. The argument that this malady is contagious is justified in that fact that most usually the two people are not the only ones with the disorder at any one time or place. The scenario is repeated many, many times after Zone Conferences, District Meetings and Transfer meetings, some times with large groups of the afflicted engaging in the behavior all at once. The sound of the slapping can be heard from miles away...

        Like the photographer who captured the image of the Loch Ness monster (never mind that it was later deemed to be fabricated) the brave woman who, disguised as the Mission Mom, documented the plight of missionaries in the GKLM should be commended. The following images just might hold the secret to unlocking the debilitating condition and relieving the suffering of untold thousands worldwide. 

Elder Morrison and Elder Freestone - 1

Elder Morrison and Elder Freestone - 2

Elder Morrison and Elder Freestone - 3

Elder Morrison and Elder Freestone - 4

Elder Morrison and Elder Freestone - 5

Elder Lipsh and Elder Clark - 1

Elder Lipsh and Elder Clark - 2

Elder Lipsh and Elder Clark - 3

Elder Lipsh and Elder Clark - 4

Elder Morrison and Elder Richins - 1

Elder Morrison and Elder Richins - 2

Elder Morrison and Elder Richins - 3

Elder Morrison and Elder Richins - 4

Somebody and Elder Lewis

          It may be noted that although the Elders are the ones most seriously impacted by this mysterious plague, the Sisters are likewise susceptible, though in a much gentler way...